my blog

has been an absolutly fantastic way to document and has been a foolproof way to gather info for my novel, but i will com to a point where i delete it . ive got to that point where a website will be up and running soon and have been out with prof photographers trying to make my ugly mush sellable. just so ya warned!

start wearing purple! wearing purple!

wow! Gogol Bordello are playing rock city! I'm so exited!!!

seems like every weekend is so totally busy for me at the moment. I'm rusing around all over te midlands all the time for all sorts of random obligations and its tireing. im so knackered!

Moley is being lovely and he *bless* wants to take me to see Beauty and the Beast (Disney version) at Dmh for my birthday (well, not actually on my birthday). On the big Sabrinamass day itself I'll (hopefully) be going to latasca for a spanish meal with Mole (if he can make it), morph, Lucy W, Lucy H, Flippyflop, Angie, Nick, Helena, Weird Al and Josh. Fabby! (charisse and Edgar - if you can make it tell me and ill book extra seatage)

on a less apeasing note, im pissed off because the disco (who invented this stupid usb???) is non-compatable with htis computer and im now going to have to bugger off and find an ipod, download the stuff onto it and email the latest version to stephen lowe. grr. hassle that i can do without.

I NEED THE INTERNET DAMMIT!

its soooo inconvenient!

on the writing front the sector story is going well with the planning, starchild is going well with redrafting and the novel is actually being inbetween play fun for me to play with.

on the devlopment side ace-semper is still ongoing, and allthough its slow i fel that its coming. a laboured process! waknham-ace is also simple enough to start when i have a free moment (if i ever do) and artspartnership-semper is going ok in some ways, allthough im less encouraged, as ladyfest seems to have not had much sucess with them.

sorry!!!

I’ve not been here for a while its cos beta is GAY and won’t let me long on at work!!! I have to snatch internet moments here and when I can and often my mind is pretty blank when I think “oh must update blogger”
Well I’m actually working on a few things as writers semi-block has lifted and I’m feeling pretty prolific at the moment. I’m doing the damned novel and its going well. My collage technique seems to be providing the much needed structure that I was requiring and I’m enjoying it loads!!! The only downside is that it’s going to take a lot longer than I once thought...
In other news I’m doing good on my 3rd draft of starchild and the cave that too seems to be melting into place and is totally being a proper joy to write!
And just as a capper I’ve started on the piece for the long awaited simper project that we are all waiting with baited berth for!!! It’s a 2 hander set in a club that was very dear to my heart for many years and (I hope) a few other people enjoyed as well and its more comic and realistic (apart from the mannequins) it’s also kind of for a girl I once knew and all the others who were emotional casualties of the 90’s that didn’t quite survive

Oh Dear!

Moleboy and I have moved house to somewhere that has no internet and its also somewhere that is very small with a weird little gremlin-man in the front room that we will be trying to remove as he has no idea about the difference between Amy Winehouse and Lilly Allen (oooh! crime!)

Anyway - Its hard for me to access the net at te moment and to have the coherent thought to do some type of bloggymcblogblog post. Im getting very odd about the house and have started making compost, while the mole keeps saying that a man needs a lawn to mow and that he wants a dog. He's 2 mins away from a flat cap and sheepdog. Too many HE Bates novels.

University Challenge just had a run of questions on "Semper Eadum". I think thats a sign.

I cant access blogger at work. the computer there just wont let me and I dont know why. I've tried to put myself on some type of "dont eat chocolate and get off lazy arse" type diet and have failed on te first day. had a banana for breakfast, peach, pear, cob and cold pizza for lunch, countless little dimebar chocolates throughout the day, salad, potato salad and old lazagne for dinner and im hungry again. i wish i was like the mole and just "forgot to eat" how the hell can you forget to eat? What type of person does that and how do I become one??? at least there is no wine involved. Anyway. I'm going swimmin tomorrow with weird Al so that will at least make me fel better about the ever expanding gut.

Im dying

i feel ill. sure im coming down with bronchitus or some type of terrible lurgey...

so anyway, it looks like i may not have home tinternet access for teh newst few months (dammit) cos ive moved house and there is some wack deal on that means i cant actually do my work with BT (who are useless). what is on my horizon i hear you all scream in anticipation?

Ladyfest is on the 6/7/8th oct so get yo asses there.
im being interviewd at some point by ed stillard for 69 mag with the publicity specilist from the semper project
im dying

yes. actually dying is going to take up most of my time and my main intrest will be lemsip...

gak!

Tears dry on their own.

Have you heard the new Amy winehouse song? I’m not generally a big fan but I do like it and it made me actually listen to Back to Black (song not album) and download some of her stuff cos it’s pretty interesting. I like Amy Winehouse now, actually for the music as opposed to the tattoos and fact that she scares Hoffmole half to death!

Anyway – Looks like I’m conducting the Ladyfest theatre writing workshop on my own! Eek! What a scary thought! I’m gonna have to dig out all those Emma Rosoman exercises and try to create some purpose in 2 hours.

Today someone at work wanted to buy the cardigan that I’d scavenged from Nunu the policewoman’s eBay pile…

It’s green.

Anyway – Semper is taking shape (in my head and on paper if nowhere else) and some bloke from the secular hall called Wilfred Gaunt (great name) keeps missing me (and I keep missing him). I’ve been a megalomaniac and:

• Split people up into teams (we should really actually have a bit of a discussion regarding what EXACTLY each team does)
• Got the ACE form nearly completed
• Done the budget (briefly – we need to speak about this also)

But it makes me feel that I've had some type of progression rather than just mellowing around in circles.

In addition:

• The while room theatre company have been in touch and I’ve been briefing them about what Semper is all about
• There is a youth-at-risk arts group in Loughborough that want to take part

Also there are 2 ways my life can go at the moment…

1) Uni – do I want to go back to uni? I would like to be a student again. It was fun.

2) Trainee Housing Adviser – I stop the evil council evicting people. Nuff said.

Black Butterfly

The black butterfly symbolises the malfunctioning nature in modern society. It creates and harbours the illusion that butterflies are an infinitely feminine and beautiful creature. Moths are not beautiful, indeed some people are petrified of them, so to make the butterfly black is to shift the focus away from beauty and simply add it into the Addams Family-style dimension of the sinister and bizarre.

Surely, to shift a motif of beauty into the area of gothic fantasy (with or without a sense of humour – I haven’t decided yet) is to replace the meaning of beauty. Replacing the meaning of beauty then in turn questions the area that made the original meaning. And that throws the original premise swiftly down to the abyss of anarchy.

It devalues and fucks up meaning, it highlights that nothing is stable. The black butterfly is here with us to stay. Not so much a moth, not so much a butterfly, not a caterpillar anymore, nothing.

But it is something. I’m not existentialist enough to simply say nothing. Simply the black butterfly exists.

And thank God it does! If everything was as simply defined then we’d all be out of a job! It then symbolises something more.

What is this more? What?

It now becomes a symbol of the dysfunctional, the cynical and the depressed. It is a manifestation of what is seen beyond reality.

The butterfly hovers like a humming bird, but makes no noise.

It’s the newspaper article that accuses another mascara brand of using fake lashes on airbrushed models; it’s the pyramid scheme, its “earn £200 extra per week” cards in the post office. It’s an ASBO awarded to the poor family that do not have a garden for their kids to play in so they kick a ball about in the street.

The black butterfly is the un-squashable feeling of the alternative. It’s the marginalised feeling. It’s not being able to cope with what you are supposed to be, it’s a manifestation.

Its Frauza Balk going from Dorothy Gale to Nancy, its Sylvia Plath’s corpse hanging out of the back of an oven, its Amy Winehouse singing about Rehab and then going to rehab.

It’s what Beth Ditto wants to be but sold out.

There is something just not right with a world that prides things that don’t really matter over shit that does. Really. What are you more worried about? The double chin? The size of your penis? Those new shoes in Topshop or the twelve people who were just killed in some foreign war-torn country halfway across the globe. Honestly? For me it’s those shoes in Topshop. I’m just as bad as the rest of them. I’m just as conditioned and exposed to modern society. If I wasn’t I wouldn’t by clothes from Primark, have a freezer or shave my legs. We are all conditioned into this false economy. False. That’s what it is. Takes a special person to stop and really look.

Plato banged on about caves and images and prisoners. It’s the modern world. It’s any world, but then the butterfly shakes my argument with its dark wings fluttering at the back of my mind. What is real?

headache

oh ive got a headache. ive been doing my dasterdly deeds all weekend regarding a certain semper project and its given me a headache.

just wanna say a big fank yoo to alex walsh for helping sort this pigsty out.

went over to my mate nu's ebay corner last night. it was pretty brill. got some brown trousers and cardigans and tops and a necklace. got some stuff for charisse as well.

And something AMAZING happened on the way over there... Hoffmole actually said "you look nice" thats the first time EVER he's said that!!! its usually insults masqurading as compliments from that one. i was (as usual) head 2 toe primark clasics (got a dress £3 the other day when i went shopping with angie)

Mole said we could watch 2 movies tonight and he'd cook stir fry and I'd make a trifle. So far I've made a trifle and he's played video games. Some things never change.

I'm gonna do an MA next year in playwriting. I've got the cash secured now. Where is good to go?

Time 2 Write - a few tips

How to Find Time to Write

For most of us, making time to write will always be something of a struggle. With friends and family, financial obligations, and emotional issues all vying for our attention, it takes determination to make a writing schedule and stick to it. I've come to the conclusion that there is no easy answer, but there are concrete things we can do to make time to write.

1. Pinpoint the issues that keep you from making time to write.

If you've always wanted to write and aren't doing it, invest some thought in figuring out the source of your writer's block. Is it a fear of failure, a longstanding tendency to procrastinate, or just basic everyday obligations that get in your way? If it's not immediately obvious what the block is, spend some time in the self-help aisle, or talk it over with a friend, a therapist, or life coach. As you begin to understand the things that prevent you from writing -- whether internal or external -- you can make a plan to overcome them.

2. Schedule time to write.

It's not glamorous or exciting to adhere to a schedule, but it really does help. If you work full-time, it may actually be easier to establish a regular time each day in which to write. Get up early and write before you leave the house, take a notepad with you to lunch, or stop off at a coffee shop on your way home. Students may have a full day of the week to devote to creative writing. Stay-at-home moms and dads often rely on nap time. The schedule may evolve as your life changes, but most people get more done if they have a regular writing time. Make that time golden, as you would any important appointment. You'll feel better about yourself and your life if you know you're making time to write.

3. Resist the impulse to overdo it.

If you're the kind of person who tends to throw yourself into a new project only to burn out after a week or two, consider giving yourself stop times for writing. Don't let yourself become obsessed in the beginning. Write for your hour or two and then continue with your daily routine. And all of us benefit from scheduling time for fun, even if it's only sneaking out to a movie or calling up an old friend. Remember that you're in it for the long haul, and that your mind needs time to replenish itself.

4. Accept the fact that it's not always going to be easy.

You may be more tired at the end of the day. Some social obligations might get pushed aside. Your family might have to pitch in. Decide what you're willing to sacrifice for a few hours a week dedicated to writing. Most of us have obligations we can't avoid, but if you're determined, you can manage both. At the same time, be content with whatever you can realistically give to your writing. Even an hour a day adds up over time.

5. Find resources to help you maintain your schedule.

What you're trying to do isn't easy. Support yourself in as many ways as possible. Books on writing can help, as does having a dedicated writing space. And almost all writers benefit from some kind of community. If other people you know are sacrificing aspects of their careers or social lives for creative endeavors, it will be easier to do it yourself. As with any lifestyle choice, associating with a few people who share your priorities and your struggles will help sustain you over time.

nice boy gone wrong

what have i done to him?



this was taken in november 2006

themes

ive been trying to get to the root "theme" of my play and i think it might be transformation. transformation literally and transformation metaphorically in peoples characters. i jut have to make starchild and the cave actually transform (characters).

and its about the lack of freedome within transformation. Starchild will become a constilation. he does this after a transformation in his character (which im sure has somehting to do with that damned serpent) and hte cave must detour from her preprogrammed path of transformation (ie. she loves starchild, recognises its impossible but does it anyway) at the moment he accepts he must transform. htis leads us onto annother reoccuring motif. love is shit.

in other news i applied to do an ma in tv scriptwriting and didnt get in. just as well really, it was a rash decision that i would have regretted. i also got turned down for the job in derby, but i recon that was not for me. more arts-admin boredome than the real creative thing.

Travis McCoy

is the new person i have a crush on!




mmm... hes yummy!

Billie Holiday

I'm gonna write a 20 min peice about a delusional housewife who talks to Billie Holiday when things get too much for her. Mostly my own style again with the whole overlapping dialouge that is all about 2 people not really communicating. I read an autobiography of Holiday when I was away in Nottingham in Hoffy's parents beautiful garden in the sunshine. He skulked about indoors giving me dirty looks and quaffing down cider and john smiths (only joking loviee xxxx) there were certain bits of the bio that really got my brain juices flowing.

for example, holiday was once so fucked that she thought an earthquake was the champagne kicking in, she was so poor and died penniless and she once stabbed herself in the head with one of her flower hatpin things and went on stage to continue singing... think i can make use of stuff like this. I'm going to call the peice "Lady Day" after her nickname and the other woman is going to be more like something out of jeremy kyle...

its a kinda relistic / crazy thing that fuses the 2 things i seem to be doing at the moment.

Kate Nash

Ok, so shes a ginger and sounds exactly like Lilly Allen, but she did a song called foundation and the lyrics are really good and remind me of every time I go out with Hoffmole and he decides that I've done something stupid or wrong and I recon it's actually a really nice song... in some ways!

SUMO!

Well I should have publicised this everywhere but it really came at a very busy time for me!!!

we had a small gig at sumo bar on branustone gate on saturday 1st september. what a fiasco! i was dreaming about it last night and co-ordinating and my peice didnt go very well, but overall it was a pretty good sucess i think. im dead pleased with all the work that was done by everyone so this is a hiphop style shout out!

thanks to...

Stacey Adams first with the Ladyfest crew
Alex Ellis for Bubble and disgrunted friend
Alex Mack for Everything
Lucy Wade for Lupus
Robin Johnson for Broken Holmes
Alex Walsh for being Holmes and Starchild
Helen Brewin for being the Sky at the last min!
Helena vickers for being Gin Whore
Jackson Miller for being Drone (again at the last min!)
Cat for Lupus
Phil hurst for inept men
Ken for inept men and the urine
Dom for intpt men and the police
Becky for being the boy who gets kicked
Phil and Bober for being a very strange family!

if i've missed anyone im dead sorry!

oh dear!

hte next few weeks are pretty busy for me.

1. starchild and the cave draft deadline is 30th August
2. I must get back to those who have submitted work to Ladyfest by the begining week of Septmber
3. Momentum is 21st August to 25th August!
4. the Semper day out is 1st sept (and no rehersals have been done)
5. i have a job interview on 29th August in Derby!

best get cracking!

smeg!

ive got sooo much on at the moment. momentum festival, house viewings and job interview and sumo event and getting smacked!

well. i also have a deadline to compleate starchild for august 30th. fuckfuckfuck!!!!

how am i going to do this? its annother one of those write at every free moment things but sometimes that dosnet really work. oh dear.

but to be fair i ALWAYS meet deadlines. i didnt even get one extention at uni or anything!

oh, and BTW, what is with this Mika thing? and why do i like his so much? is he gay? will he go out with me?

cute!

Look! Look how cute HowHow can be!

Film - The medium I forgot

Over the past week I've been watching soooo many films its unreal! Seeing as nobody bothers with videos these days and people have replaced their entire collections with DVD's they really are a bit of a steal in charity shops!

Over the Past few day's I've also been recouperating and vegging out in front of the TV, seeing as every time I got up I was dizzy. So I've watched:

• True Romance (the one with Patricia Arquette and Christian Slater being an Elvis obsessed weirdo)
• Hairspray (the original and the best with Rikki Lake)
• Gone With The Wind (5 hours of Clarke Gable does weird things to a girl!)
• Flash Gordon (pure class!)
• Murial's Wedding ("Waterloo! lalalalalalalal!")
• Karatie Kid
  
• Karatie Kid 2 ("Miagieeee!")
• Educating Rita
• The Crow (I've always thought this was well funny)
• The Fly
  

tonight I'm looking over at High Fidelity or perhaps forcing the mole to watch the craft. I mean we've also got a Disney backlog of the Aristor Cats and Sleeping beauty, but we've also got time Bandits and Twins and the lost boys and resivoir dogs... but i dont think the mole will want to sit through the lost boys without ranting!

it has come to my attention...

that i seem to have badmouthed Howard along my posts!

HowHow, I'm very sorry for all the insensitive comments I may have made about your lovely squished face!

Charisse, however, Everything I say about her is true!


muha!

only joking chuck!


also tried to upload a pic of howhow off facebook but this retarded fucking thing wont let me!!!

Dec 2006 - Dec 2007

Punk n. A youth movement of the late ‘70’s characterised by anti-establishment slogans and outrageous clothes and hairstyles. 2. An inferior, rotten or worthless person or thing. 3. Worthless articles collectively. 4. Short for punk rock. 5. Obs. A young male homosexual; cat. 6. Obs. A prostitute – adj. 7. Rotten or worthless

I got a book out the library today. It's fasscinating! Watch this space!

12 months of my life in fiction form might just save this novel! I've woken up and relised that I've been barking up the wrong tree. A tree of past demenours and it's nothing to do with any trees that talk!

Shit

Got myself into a bit of bother over the weekend. Gonna be signing off for a bit. Big black eye, swelling, a court case and a minor head injury are never fun.



sionara

Fookin' 'Ippy!

Bought some jeans the other day that were original 1972 flared wranglers from a charity shop for£3. Apparently the ironic thing is that they would have cost £3 back in the day! The heat is making me go all weird, not happy weird as I'm a Capricornus moody bitch at the best of times, sulking around urban areas in thee rain wearing too much eyeliner, but "EEEK! Too much in life can't cope with stress" weird. Moley and I have been touristy, going to the spacecentre (which was educational and overpriced) but it did make me think a bit about plays and staging. Revisited Mermaids and Kirsten's story is far too all over the place and needs a strengthing htread to pull it through. Concluded hte thread was to emphasise her loss. Loss of life, loss of love and loss of herself in hte overall narrative. this in turn will give me a headace and make me later think "but what did she gain?" and I know the answer won't be nothing as I glance at hippies slumped like dead bumblbees on parks and hum in my head "my fahter when I was younger took me up onto the hill, looked down on the city streets and all the factory spill, said "now this is where I come, when I want to be free" but he never was in his lifetime, but these words stuck with me." Saw Kelly-Anne the other day. She lives on Moacre Hill with her fella and babies and benifits and she seems happy, but then again, she's the type to be happy in any situation. Doing Semper stuff and feeling bogged, bogged, bogged. should start looking at things in bitesized chunks rahter then everything all together. Mole is cooking dinner tonight, don't be surprised if I phone in sick tomorrow with real dioreeah.

Macral Fillets are the work of the Gods

They really are. I just cant stop eating tins of them. Rosemary Connoly even likes them and says they are healthy so it cant be that bad an obsession. If someone knows where to buy the type in curry or chilli sauce please tell me, they're the best.

On other news I went with my pet mole to Nottingham over hte weeked to visit crazy Mark. He's very strange and seems to have a little following of seventeen year old psudo-hippies with names like Cyrus and Patty. Oh very bohemian! Perissa (his new girlfriend) had radically reamped the house and even painted the toilets pink! Hoffy took me on the Tales of Robin Hood ride which was horrendiously expensive and all because a wobbling jelly.

first rehersals / read thru for a play that I havent written yet on saturday. bricking and it are used in the same sentance.

Going to the space centre on Friday. Never been, might be a laugh to be a tourist in your own city.

I'm Famous! I'm from Leicester!

reading about fucked up ladies

cant be helping the grey matter that consitutes as my brain these days seeing as im convinced that being a "real" writer stems from an unholy desire to throw yourself and put your head in the oven (yes all at the same time).

I've suddenly become intrested in Pearl Lowe as she is a right one! Gossip column inches galore!

and i bought dirty blonde the other day. Dearie me. I'm begining to think there I have lots in common with Courtney Love than i once thought.

other news im backstoying and its rambling nonsence explaining Alfie, Mary and Emily.

Squatter Punk documentary

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=c0IZdP3x66Y

I dunno if this links but watch it anyway, either that or go on YouTube and just type in "punk 1983" and watch the documentary about squatters in the 80's.

The boy with the pink double mohekan is called John, he's the one that gets beer pulled over his head. It was his 17th birthday and the camera crew paid for the beers. He got £150 for doing the doc and in 1983 that was a lot of money.

John now works with me. He's a housing adviser for a charity and I'm pretty sure he hates his job and would love to have the freedom of being 17 again!

Broken Mole

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS TYPE-O,S THAT ARE NOT MY DOING EITHER INTENTIONALLY OR UNINTENTIONALLY. THE FORWARD SLASH BUTTON DOES NOT WORK, NOR DOES THE APOSTROPHIE

Well, that decides it... I have to leave my job, not by choice anymore, but I am far too embarassed to go into work on Monday morning following last Fridays Work-do.

I took Hoffmole for moral support, needless to say im not a "team player" in any way shape or form, I,ll get the job done, but please don,t insult your intellegence and mine by insinuating that just becuse i work with you means I have to like you. Anyway - I digress into bitter bial and hatred again... I took Hoffy with me on the work do which was themed "its a knock out ] tekeshi,s castle" and Hoffy got broken. He landed on his hand or somehting and we think he bust a bone in his wrist, trouble with the Hoff is that he,s a bit of an arsehole and stubborn to a fault and won,t do anyhting that anybody says, so after medical people who just-so-happened-to-attend the do had said "go to hopsital" and he ignored it i was feeling a little peeved.

didnt help that he hten proceded to get so drunk to block out the pain that he insulted people and yelled at me to the point that i wasnt going to bother with any of it any more (seriously - i really dont need this crap, ive been in some baaaaaaaddddd relationships in my past this one is fairly easy - its just when he gets drunknjellous) he came out with the clasic lines "so which is the christian that you hate then?" and "All these people are so nice, I can,t believe you want to leave this job" and [to the gay guy] "Can I stroke your chest? Your nice" and [to the christian] "blahblahblah, night I got pushed through a window... hitting exboyfriend over head with mirrors... can i feel you up?" so yeah, I cant go to work on monday, I,ll just die of embarassment
In other news the novel is going in a good way... I have some instances that i want to structure... bloody Facebook has given me inspiration via the use of dregging up old people from my past that i thought had fallen off the edge of the earth and in turn old storied that were locked away in the freezer stores of my mind. adding that to the origianl ending of john hughes,s pretty in pink (where molly ringwold actually gets with the guy who dosent deserve her, he deserves jeninne from ghostbusters who staples the records to the celing) then i have a good subplot that rivals the amin plot and makes me think my origianl plot is the subplot (!!!!)

Starchild and the cave... blah! I think hte serpent is starchild penis, thats why hes allways depressed! and after things that he dosnet really want. and why the cave feels sorry for it!

now im also cutting - no! not a self harmer! i mean Im cutting mermaids for a 10 mins one actress (Kate davis) performance at Sumo. and thats being a pain in the arse.

waste of time

Just wasted hours on fucking arsey Facebook. I just spent the entire evening looking up people that i used to go school with and going "wow - everyone looks much more slimmer/happier/hotter than me" when i should have been arts councilling and writing starchild (deadline in 6 weeks! eek!) but no... i wanted to see if Cassipia Ball or Mathew Mawsley remembered who i was and if i could find any ex boyfriends who have got skabies or rat related illnesses :(

On other news ive been inspired. RTS is the way forward - but not reclaim the streets, more reclaim the stage and just do an RTS for theatre... will i get arrested? probablly !

also been applying for a new job that has stressed me out for the past 4 days trying to get the damned paperwork right. grr.

and Hoff and i have to go on one of my wanky works do's on friday. Expensive and crappy, but I'll get accused of not being a "team player" or whatever if i dont go. its all fun and games!

rah!

I am never going to be "dainty"

I am never going to like Christians, no matter how much they want me to.

I am never going to care about shuffling paper

I am never going to care.

I am never going to smile

What was supposed to disapear?

Was I supposed to disapear?

I can't.

Every waking moment of every stinking day I'm confronted with one person and it's me.

me. me. me. me. me. me.

me.

If you look at your reflection

Is it all you want to be?

Anyone who has ever loved me was an asshole. Anyone who will ever love me will be an asshole.

My Boyfriend looks like a mole!

tralala

I've been asked to sing in a band. This is not the first time this has happened. I get asked about once a year, not because I can actually sing, but because I tend to hum when drunk and I'm female with stupid hair and an ability not to really give a shit about anything. I get asked and then back out, because, allthough I can carry a tune and am not really that bad, I think I am and just cant be in front of people, but nevertheless, I'm kinda flattered, even if its a wanky electro-metal band (or somehting) It means I'll be poncing about my bedroom singing Daisy Chainsaw and Belinda Carlile into a deoderant can for a few weeks until it comes to rehersal and I back out.

The correct way to use a knife and fork.

Could someone please tell me? For my entire life I have evedently been using cutlery wrong!



I always thought they were devises to shovel food into ones mouth quicker than my dad could thieve chips and fishfingers off my plate.



Apparently, I missed the point.

I'm sooooo tired...

Got such a busy time ahead of me - tonight is the only night I've had off for a while. This weekend I'm in Nottingham with the mole-folks and tomorrow I'm meeting Helena - an old matey who has moved to Norwich. Friday eve I've penciled in Angela and Nick as I never get chance to see her anymore - and I need the Angie fix!

Tonight I've mostly been compiling rotas and emailing and sorting out my hardrive and typing up mins and ignoring the mole move shit about his new room. It's a bit like when you get a new cat and you have to open them up into one room for a bit and then annother and then annother... quite sweet really!

Well - nothing has been done on "Starchild" for what it seems I've hit the wall and don't know what to do nexxt. Luckily I have annother Stephen Lowe session next Tuesday and I do tend to leave them rahter inspired - tired but inspired!

"Mermaids" is too weird for Momentum. It's not offial yet - but Its coming, I can tell - Sarah is avoiding my calls and emails. Declan Keens play is headlining it and, lets face it, we will never be on the same bill if conventional theatre has anyhting to go by. "Mermaids" was just too odd and bizarre and abstract (allthough the Hoff did do a fantastic parody of it!) to be put on stage - its the type of thing that should be rotting somewhere as i lay on the kitchen floor with my body protruding from the gas oven...

Other writing news - "Daddy was like the autumn" s coming allong fucking brilliantly! I've had so many ups and downs with this project that its nice to find something that I can be pleased for it. Here we go...

Regression is my main theme - and like in McEwans early fiction it need to be just as stifiling as it is liberating - simple - subplot.
I put lots of characters who slowly go bonkers in different ways into the story. this is just a reflection of life, really, or at least the life that ive seen. i nned to get a scene where things go sinister in fun and that is my key.

Standin' in the way of control, woowoowoowoowoo!

Well I have nothing of any consiquence to report except that I'm forcing people to be on board on this thing. Semper "whatever" seems to be likely for the name, Sumo is shitin' me up, that kid off "Britian's got talent" scares me with her ugly teeth and its STILL rainin' and its nearly July!
Work sux, as per, and it gives me a headache. when, oh when can I pack in this boring real world mundane shit and do what my awsome genious is born to do????? Why? Why have I turned into Withnail? ("fools! they'll all suffer!").

Marmee and Pops are coming to Loughborough to visit me tomorrow after Marmee has come back from asia. she's tired and still looking over forms for me 'cos for some reason, the females in my family are pretty good at that type of thing.

And on the 30th I have to go to the Mole's parents house for some garden bbq party thing. Charisse is coming with me to stand demurely next to Eddy and be "ideal" daughter-in-law material as I get progressivly more and more drunk and then barf on the dads prize petunias (actually - knowing the story of the umpa-lumpa bouncy castle gin fulled Xmas party that might not be the case! - I might be dragging her off home in disgrace!)

I've decided to buy a disposable camera. I have absolutly no intrest in a digital one as a) i have no idea how to use it b) I'll probally break it c) I'll loose it d) I'll loose the cable thingy 'cos thats what everyone else does e) it's far too expensive f) it might get stolen. I have not had pics since about 2005 when I went to Brixton to see NIN and Download and 2004-5 New year and thats just sad.

the Mole is currently rewriting Mermaids and Drowning Women it's being a work of absolute parody and I'm somewhat frightened. When I set that exercise I didn't actually expect people to rewrite one of my peices!!! How nieve am I?

Saturday looks like a full un'. Shopping for grad dressess, meetings over late lunches and beer and I've got a Babble to attend in the eve - f anybody wants to come then just let me know. (Meeks - I'm looking at you - remeber that thing we went to? Nomad or something with Jacko? well, its like that but bigger and better and stick "Human Traffic" into the mix! Trust me, You'll love it!)

Oh, and have decided that "The Gossip" are allright as music goes these days.



Not a patch on fear factory!

Dummy

I have set an ecercise on the forum that is downright impossible and challenging to say the least!
"Read annother writers work and retell it." ohhhh, dear.

and the reason why its so impossible is because i dont know what to choose from. ive got:

Blood and Ash
Red
Was the Cat God?
2112
Brutal
Shatter
P&S
Cloud
Hoodies
Semper Eadum

To really choose from 'cos they are the only ones that i have read and can reread. 2 be fair, id like to have a crack at all of them!

Time to wheedle it down....

well i cant do red, cos i had a script of it but have lsot it in the terrible mess of my room.

I cant do Shatter as its "impenitrable" (fnar, fnar!) no, i cant do it becuause i cant pinpoint an exact spot that i can go from (and thats just me being crappy)

for the same reasons - Semper is impossible to do. also i will probally fuck up the dialouge.

ill cut out P&S and cloud becuse they are ones that i have only read once, same for blood and ash.

so that leaves me with:
2112
Was the cat god?
Hoodies
Brutal

well i wont do was the cat god? because i know too much about it and its a wee bit touchy to rewrite something that was written by your fella.

and ill not do hoodies because its the obvious choice for me (as am secretly a massive chav)

and ill not do brutal as its also something that is likely for me to do as its the whole inconventional relationship thing.

so im left with...

2112.

oh dear.

Its chosen because its somehting that i wouldnt normally write and i like a challenge!!!

sorry Hannah, it might come out a bit weird!

Crikey!

Well Im now doing the impossible task of cutting and pasting everyones bits into my master plan... this is fun, totoally unmanagable and quite a headache!

so wee are meeting on 23rd June (ironically enough mine and the mole's 6 month aniversiry - i know it donset seem that long at all! - he also dont want to do anyhting 4 it cos he says its a made up thing - also eddy and rece gave each other expensive gifts and went out for a nice meal so that means all im gonna get is anti-capitilist moaning all evening)

so, yeah, things that need to be discussed... and im making a list:

• greviency polocy
• Grants for the Arse
• Conucil funding
  
• volunteers
  
• deadlines
  
• photos
• DIY
• rehersal space
• declan and the internet
• TWP
• marketing and reserch
• workshops?
• venue viewing
  
• accounts and finances
  

anybody else got any agenda items then email them to me, forum me, or put them in the comments bit.

oh well

What I'm suppsoed to be doing is looking at putting together some words on how great I and a few others are. What I have done, however, is tidy up my bedroom and stick dodgy photos on my wall.

I have the worlds biggest spot growing on the left hand side of my face. im sure its going to start talking soon, and the thing is i havent really been that unhealthy at all this wekk! ive been drinking the recomended ammount of water, sticking to the recomended ammounts of booze and eating seads and rice and veggies and fruit. and the world rewards me with something that looks like its sentient.

Charisse and Eddy have gone to the realm of the grown up and moved somewhere off tudor road, so that means Hoffmole will be taking the spare room at some point this month. to be honest i would have perferred it if that lot hadnt smashed up their house and practically got ASBO's and taken it slower, but these things happen and its a practicality thing. Also it is kinda useful to have someone at hand when you are writing to bounc ideas off, but hey! thats what tinternets for!

crap, thanks.

I feel crap. I'm utterly starving and promised the mole that i would wait for him before i cook dinner, to be honest any food would be good right about now. i should be getting on with some writing of some description but thats just not going to happen now as im so mentally tired that i feel that my brain is oozing out of my ears...

so wahts my next move? i fancy going to the cinema at some point to see a terrible film thats been overpriced and eat cardbord nachos with cheese thats just wrong, some hagen daz wouldnt go amiss either.

Practicalities

With Starchild and The Cave I'm begining to think "how is this to be done?" you see if you imagine something, only then can it be made, but i dont want to be an arsehole and create somehting thats impossible for the sake of being impossible.

So I'm thinking that I should perhaps do something with puppetry for the tree and the snake, or else how will the audience know who is talking?

Also with the sky, i wanted the lights in the sky to twinkle when she talks and for starchild to form out of her randomly - also if he is in a scene he fades in and out as he is fluid and not here nor there. so animation and projection seems to be quite a good idea.

i dont want to give the tree a mouth or to use the words "so tree, what do you think?" as its tacky but for when he speaks i want his brances to move in a sinister / judderman meets the muppets way, but is this too overambitious for an adult audience - you see with kids they are much more accomodating for weirdness, adults are rubbish really!

im really getting into starchild and the cave as a peice as a whole - s'very weird that i feel like this early on in a peice. since i wrote sing sing i have not stopped writing a play nor have i enjoyed it as much as creating this.

Stop! I'm lost!

well Starchild and the Cave is a bit of a challenge at the moment. Here is a recap of the first 5 scenes...

1. enter the world of the play. the cave comes on and collects apples, starchild toys with her and we see the animosity between the 2. starchild is arogant and the cave is vulgar and violent.
   
2. the tree and the cave - a conversation about people in hte desert, as the cave recounts a myth, the tree mourns over a lost love... this acene is by far the best dialouge wize, alltho, its more like mermaids
   
3. the same story recounted between starchild and the sky. this scene is supposed to a) properly introduce starchild, b) introduce the sky c) be funny
4. starchild and the cave finally have a conversation, the only problem is that damned serpent keeps getting in the way!
   
5. the serpent and his persistance. does he or dont he get that apple?
   

now i need to know where to go next. im thinking the apple is gonee in the next scene and its between the sky and the tree, but what does the apple really symbolise? the serpent would have got it, but why so early on? the tree and the sky are the people that i need to explore, how does the apple and the serpent reflect starchild and the cave?

Nan, you'r a window shopper

Seems like I spend every friday at the dentists. I know its annoying Hoffmole somewhat, the fact that he needs to shelve any plans that he might have for a friday to cope with me fretting all morning then spazzy all afternoon, poor thing.

Yesterday I discovered the joys of Yoo Tube. i know it sounds like I'm a bit of a retard not really knowing anything about it, but i discovered the Levellers live stuff on there and it made me happy. Stuff from 1993 and I looked at them drinking cider and special brew, dogs on tatty peices of string, dreadlocks, fiddle and the drum and all that and look at how i turned out... i just need to be dancing ontop of stonehenge...

jesus, these days i look really old. leaving uni and working has aged me very quickly. its stress and lack of sleep and general hatred for the world. i still dont bother wearing make up hardly ever, i really should seeing as when i and the mole are out he looks about 15 and i look about 60. seriously, people must think im his mother, i bet he could get shild prices on the bus.

today i tried on a dress that i had bouth from primark, its very lilly allen in a weird way, hoff liked it and said it was sweet, but it made me look fat :(

distorted body image day.

Wolverette Zine

check out the "links n ting" section. i am really impressed with what Wolverette Zine are doing for payment for copies of the zine, the whole trading stuff for it thing! I think it's great!

its in the serpents nature...

to eat the apple, and the cave sees this. Starchild however is jellous of the compassion that she shows the serpent and feels that it is a challenge to the connection that he feels for her.

i had a very long conversation last night with Hoffmole about how women and men are different and what power each gender has over the other.

man feel that women are manipulative over sexuality. women, often do not see themselves doing this. men try to attract women via their minds and wit while women do this via sexuality, looks and flirtatiousness.

women will antagonise over the control and power they have in a patriarchial society by mesuring themselves to other women. that is why the copy of "Love It" i had the other day is filled with pictures of women and beauty tips and clothes. it is a) to sell products, b) to show and ideal to strive for and c) to reinforce to the woman that they will never be 100% in control or empowered.

man will antagonise over "his" woman. as she is flexing control and sensitivity (perhaps not in the blatent flirt way - in other ways!) over other creatures he then gets jellous and thinks that he was foolish to think that there was somehting special between man and woman.

now this simple premise is the sentiment behind the 4th scene of starchild and the cave. the cave empathises with the serpant as he is only going by his nature, he wants the apple. she herself must go by her nature and denounce her love for starchild and become a cave. starchild however does not see the bigger picture (as he is still a child) and simply thinks hte cave is flirting with the serpent. he gets jellous and upset and disapears.

and the other 3 scenes? well... you'll just have to wait and see!

when you really wana get some work done...

it's like totally impossible. It's the monday night before I need to go to nottingham and pretend to be a "real" writer for the evening, so needless to say, I'm having to work my fucking sox off.

But and this is really destracting, the doorbell won't stop going. Firstly, Hoffmole (not too bad as he tends to be over here all the time anyway), Josh, like 20 times, Dave, Ginger Stephen, Rich the terrorist... all these people continually dropping by, I'll get an ASBO by the end of the night...

And all I wanted to do was write "Starchild and the Cave" dedication or what that i get 2 scenes done with this infernal, continuing destraction. Bah! People can all fuck off, I can make friends with those who only exist in my head and can never annoy me by ringing the doorbell!

Also people keep making "hilarious" comments about me putting my head in the oven... grr...

Hoffmole seemed to like what was going on with the new play, and Josh did say

"Sabrina, oyur writings got pretty hot" so perhaps not all bad...

grr.

Moving into the realms of "The Unwell"

Hoffmole and I are both sick. We have managed to catch some weird cold over the bank holidays and even lemsip isn't doing anything anymore. Hoffmole is gahtered up in a douvet, an exes old "special" blanket and some drape that I found in Camden a few years back, coughing and spluttering like something out of the beano. He just needs a themomater and pjamas and he'd look like something from the same era that splurted "the Snowman" at us as a marketed childhood fantasy. I keep telling him not to go into work tomorrow if hes that ill, but I can tell that he'll go in anyway and be poorly forever more.

Speaking about work, I've come to the end of my tether. I mean, this time its for real.

I started in my daamned job in october 2005 and I'm still there now. Its the kind of job that you either have to have no feelings or be immune to everything via good christian thoughts to do. I am neither of the above and really want to find some new, part time employment, that isn't utterly badly paid and I won't get attacked (or at least less attacked), feel like a hypocrite, or spend most of my days screaching at forms that boxes need to be ticked in.

On the giant project news - well... lets just say I'm waiting for feedback from the others and, Lucy - I'll send you an email in a bit. I need to talk to someone about everything.

At least weird Al is gonna be back soon so I've got someone to go out on the piss with!!!

VBA award is closing everso near. It needs to be 70mins max length and the only play I have for that is "Sing, sing" which is shite, comparitivly. "Starchild and the Cave" would be a much better contender, and "Mermaids" is far too short.

My deadlines for the weekend are:

• Write up sceen 2 "Starchild"
  
• Finish the draft of scene 3 of "Starchild"
  
• Get hidiously muntered at Stu and Cat's housewarming
• Have annother tooth pulled out :(
• Print off the docs and take them to Playwrites Studio on Tuesday.
  
• Be nice to Hoffmole.
  

Welcome Home Jacko

Well, I went up to nottingham to see Mustapha Matura's play called "Welcome Home Jacko" and I think i totally missed the point.

there were 4 characters - all young rastafarian boys who hang out at a youth centre. Their youth worker person, a new woman who wants to work with them and Jacko who is an older memebr of the youth group who has just come out of a 5 year strech in prison for rape.

The whole thing is like, they talk about jail and what happened to Jacko and then history kinda repeats itself. It's an hour long, so not a lot of time for things to develop at a more moderate pace, but it was kinda predictable.

The one thing that did help though, was listining to Matura in the bar before hand. I was on a different table and he was talking to other people from Eclipse Theatre. and he said that "the young ones should remove the older writers and do something new" and that really stung home.
It's difficult enough for a young writer who wants to do something different to the norm. theatres these days only take notice of what is pretty much the same as what is in fashion at that precise moment. What seems to be "in" now(ish) is weird plays about relationships and sex tourism in jamaca... so here's the pitch, I'm writing a play about a boy made out of stars and a cave...

See, Howard is the ugliest cat in the world! Hoffmole thinks we should use his unique image as a logo and be "uglycat.com"

Today is the Greatest Day I've Ever known...

Well, not really. To be honest I feel somewhat mixed about what I'm supposed to do.

I have a ticket and travel paid to see "Welcome Home Jacko" by Mustapha Matura at the Playhouse. This means I have to take a treck up to Nottingham and then back again for Angela's birthday.

Hoffmole has just left and gone home. I said I would Clean my bedroom and throw out everyting I don't want, but, as you can see I'm doing blogbollocks again. The play don't start 'till 4, I need to get Angie a present, I'm poss gonna get that in nottingham so I'll leave in like 1/2 hour or so. I'm so tired... for the past week I've been doing the "I can't sleep thing" that I'm always duped into thinking I've got over for a few months then it comes back again like a vengence and I need to sleep and stop being so hypermanic. I burn up all my energy and then crash for a few months and spend the time sleeping, eating and thinking I'm a total asshole.

Last night Hoffmole took me over to see one of his weird mates. The man has far too many books on cricket to be normal. Also he served tea with a little milk jug that freaked me out. hoffmole just spoke bollocks at him and then relised he was talking bollocks and then tried to save the situation by pretending that he wasnt talking bollocks. the poor guy must htink that we are quite odd, as we just kept talking about everything we liked because it was wanky.

When I got home I had a real weird crisis. I relised how much writing means to me and how there is nothing i can do other than writing. I had a real "Grr" because I'm totally dissatisfied with my job, homelife is always brinkering on the edge of major destruction and I often can't realte to people at all and get bored and have a mardy and disapear (truly, guys - you think Hoffmole is bad? I was 100% worse a few years back!) and the only thing I enjoy and will wanna do is write... anyways - nuff feeling sorry for my self. I managed to relsie that I'm not too bad and to stop whinging like a little bitch.

Well and in other news Hoffmole read the first part of Starchild and the Cave. He really liked it, which is nice, and gave me some encouragement to do the rest (poss on the train to Nottingham)

Shiva

funny innit that you get inspiration from the weirdest things.

I'm hungry. I really want some Star Vishnu and for some reason the anticipation of eating Siek food made me want to wrote a story about someone who lives on a beach in Goa who accedently bumps into a death goddess and goes on a wlak down the beach with her. Now i know this thype of thing would be more suited to Hoffmole's style but I think I could give it a go... right?

Lion's and Tiger's and Bear's, Oh My!

Well. I'm a bad person.

Happy-go-lucky Sabrina has become Bossy tyranical Sabrina over a future project. I spent all sunday doing the arts council grant for it (like a retard) and I'm questioning my own sanity.

I've been compiling a list of Volunteers and people who "owe me a favour". Even the drunk mad girl down the pub has been roped in and they don't know it yet.

I've just been going round telling people what I've been up to now and I'll look pretty damned silly if it dont come to pass. Grrr.

And I recon it's 'cos it's time for me to go "help" to everyone I know. Everybody is going to get cryptic texts and emails over the next few weeks.

Be warned.

how to make the arts council hate you!

Firstly just keep applyin with stupid ideas that need funding. Today I woke up after a unsatisfying night out with every intent to work on starchild and the cave but was just itching to dive into a funding bid for a future project that i've been discussing with a few people. So i loaded up word and began with comic sands and, i dont know how they do it, but each question in the proposal requires the same answer over and over again. is it normal to keep repeating yourself like a drunk tramp on the form? is it designed so that a sleepy arts councilar can read it and eventually get the drift or am i just doing it wrong? probally the latter.

PMT induced mardyness last night, but what do you expect when you go out for a drink with your mate and she just invites yours, and your boyfriends, exes along? ghhhha! night of the living dead romances i tell thee!

Starchild and The Cave

is the working title of hte play I am developing for the playwrites studio. It's really good that I got offered this placement, but its also really bad 'cos I feel that it's gonna consume a lot of time. Stephen Lowe told me that a play takes as long as it takes to write and I have a feeling that this one might take longer than any other play I've written.

Mermmaids and Drowing Women didn't take that long. I knew where I was going and the structure was pretty much straight forward (which is odd, 'cos I was totally terrified about writing it!) Starchild and the cave is much more abstract and odd and weird and has very weird characters and is the first time I've tried to write a play with 5 characters.

and the 5 are:

• Starchild - male, part boy-part man. he has the notion that he is fairly new into the world and is quite nieve. He's a bit like a middle class boy that has just come out of private school into the real world. He likes to give off the impression that he needs looking after, but is actually quite manipulative and weirdly, wize beyond his years. he is born from the Sky and his main pourpous is to become a beautiful comic thing up in the sky. He knows this, but seems quite resistant to the idea - although his resistance is futile. Starchild can bestow things onto other characters (apart from the sky) at will.
  
• The Cave- female, her main pourpous is to become a cave. she knows that she needs to harden against the world and against forces like starchild. she is humanoid and feral and lives in the wilderness. She needs to settle in one place to become her fullest potential. she is the only character that needs to eat. she hunts and gathers food and offers it to other characters who dont need it. she (ideally) has no language that can be understood - apart from Starchild bewstows the gift of speach onto her that she despises. she is halfway through her journey of fully becoming the cave, but resists and wants to regress.
  
• The Sky - the sky is Starchilds mother - it is more of a female force than male but is essentailly beyond gender. She is both a benevolent and kind force. She knows that the cycle is that starchild must become a consmic thing in the sky as others have come before him. She is unsupportive of Starchilds fassciantion with the cave, insisting that hte tree and the cave are "other" to her and starchild. she abhores temptation and can be recked with malice. the only person she shows compassion to is Starchild. she listens to the tree, but sometimes will not take it in.
  
• The Tree - is more beyond male/female than the star is. it sympatises with both starchild and the cave and acts as a mediator between them and the sky. it dislikes the serpent and seems to be the only one that sees it. it has a solitary apple that hangs from its highest branch that symbolises love and purity. the serpent is after the apple, continuiously. the tree moves its branches to waylay the serpent and truly beleves that it can hang onto the last apple forever.
  
• the Serpent - is a non speaking part. it is a metaphor for temptation and corrution in all the characters souls. its main pourpous is to get the apple and eventually, as it gives up the apple will fall from the tree and it will have no intrest in it, which is the worst part for the tree.
  

Why has my post gone into italics? I can't seem to switch it off! Damned blogger!

Anyway - i really need to know and understand why I'm doing this and where the damed plot is going. I'm totally unsure about a lot of things. It's obviously a whole metaphor for realtionships and suchlike, but I dunno... might just end up being pretentious wank

Stressed...

...for no reason. It always stresses me when I have to meet my mum and dad for lunch. not because they are bad people, just because they seem to have their own "unique" orgainsation for such things. time is irrelivent to my parents, it just shifts about them rather then they shift through time. they are always very early for things, or very late and i dont understand the random phone set up they seem to have going on... its like mum has a phone, dad has a phone, neither one of them know how to use it properly, htey pinch my brothers phone and use that more and you never know which phone they will have on them that they will end up using... its damn annoying! Angela wants to meet (if we are going to an all you can eat chinese - which we poss will be doing) and due to her infinate gemini-ness she can never be on time for anything at all and runs on "angie time"... oh its annoying! For some reason I get really anal over lateness and not knowing where I'm supposed to be at what times. its one of the few things that i tend to blow up and htink it matters loads! dunno why! I'm possibly mildly autistic!

On other notes I have to go on 2 more training courses for work. Pregnancy testing training and "managing aggression and antisocial behaviour" training. sounds like its me that needs to manage my antisocial behaviour and aggression! I'm gonna be giving chavs pregnacy tests and getting beaten up by them for the rest of my life!

writing news - i wrote the first scene of my play and did some more planning. im really stumped!

Hubble, #Bubble, TOIL and trouble

TOIL is a wonderful thing. Its when if you do overtime you get some time off at a later date and today i have a day off, unexpected, out of the blue and totally paid for.

Working at The Bridge is the only place thats had such things and its really the most helpful thing when I'm so totally stressed and want to just explode from being at work far too much.

Today I would have had a TSS team meeting (boring), a scour over numhers and facts and figures that i really dont understand and if i'm really lucky i might just get attacked by a drunk homeless.

But instead, im getting my tripod submission printed off at the internet cafe, im gonna go into town in a bit and get a few bits done, im gonna cook Hoffmole dinner and im gonna write up the first scene of my new play and upload it somewhere on tinkrnet that only a few can access.

its actually quite nice to work for a smelly charity. ok, i have to buy my own bog roll, tea, coffiee and milk, but its worth it.

Ouch!

I've just come back from the dentist. My entire top lip is totally numb, as is my face on one side. My entire nose is numb and I'm slightly dribbling.

I'm also very hungry, having gone and got an appointment for 12.45, I missed lunch. Obviously I am now too terrified to eat anything ever again. Size Zero - Kate Moss, eat your heart out (or don't)

The dentist is a very nice man. He's called Dr Moss or Dr Wade or something with only for letters and instantly forgettable. He seems to be confident in knowing what he is doing. He has all the terrifying equipment lined up in non-too sterile looking trays. Like all dentists, he has bad breath.

He told me that I needed 2 fillings. I'm whats known as a "nervous patient" anyways - not liking to go to the dentist at all - and I was a bit freaked about going. but I convinced myself (with moral support from Hoffmole - thank you!!!) that fillings are run-of-the mill. In the 80's I remember having loads of fillings. It was when htey had the "drill-n-fill" policy of making cash with NHS dentistry - thats why the NHS is so rubbish now and nobody can get an NHS dentist and all the shoddy fillings done to poor 20somehtings are falling out and nobody is about to fix it...

Anyway - 2 fillings. run of the mill. totally normal.

Numbing injections (bit i was worried about the most to be fair, but it hurts less than getting your nose pierced). Sit about in the waiting room for 10 mins for it to take effect....

And trudge back up the stairs. He talked me through the entire process but I just couldnt hear him as the girl with the tubes and a mask was making such a racket with the hose in my mouth. Firtly, Drill the holes bigger (dont know why), Secondly silver caps ("silver is better and stronger for the woosh, woosh, woosh"), thridly something twisty with long metal toothpicks coming out of mouth at all angels. fourthly ("Cant see m to get this cap in...") cue weird almost pain...

Yes. Done. Over. I-Can-Go-Home-Now-Relif.

"Just sit back Sabrina. Now I'll raise up the chair (raise, raise, raise) You did very well... Have a good rise just to get all the bits out"
(gargle, gargle, spit)
"And now we can carry on with the extraction..."

WAIT A MINUITE! EXTRACTION? WHAT? HAVING A TOOTH OUT

Clamps, massive pliers, break tooth the wrong way, jank it out. It felt weird and you could hear it and it made me laugh and I wouldnt say it was an alltogether unpleasent experince...

...probally would'nt do it again if I had the choice though...

And I had to bite down on some gause and walk home looking a bit like someone who had downsyndrome with the numbness and the dribble and the blood...

Boast Boast Boast!

Well I figured as this is supposed to be a writers blog I should really recap all my wonderful achievements so Brain dosent get stale recounting them (goes backwards)

• April 2007 - Short Story Tinfoil Flowers and Stars published by www.umbrellastories.com
  

• Febuary 2007 - Placed on the Nottingham Playhouses "Playwrites Studio". A ten month long intensive playwriting programme under the tutorage of Stephen Lowe. third play in progress, as yet untitled.
  

• December 2006 - Awarded Arts Coucil Grant for a year to rewrite, reserch and redraft first novel Daddy was like the Autumn
  

• Sept 2006 - March 2007 - mentored by Amanda Whittington, writer in residence at The Nottingham Playhouse on second play Mermaids and Drowning Women. This play is currently being considered for the Momentum Young Playwrites festival
  

• Currently Literary Co- Coordinator for Ladyfest Leicester 2007 – this project is committed to new, independent writing from female writers.
• September 2006 - short story Rose White, Rose Red published at www.drunkenpoets.com
• Attending The Leicester Writers Club, unconditional membership offered beginning September 2006.
• 22^nd – 26^th August 2006- Residency with Theatre Writing Partnership’s Momentum New Writing Festival. Based in Nottingham at The Lakeside Arts Centre.
• April 2006 – Present - Momentum Writers Forum Literature Development Moderator.
• June 2006 - interviewed by Ambrose Musiyiwa for article Meet Sabrina – Poet and Dramatist in www.OhMyNews.com
• May 2006 – Emma Rosoman (currently Royal Court Writer, previously Writer in Residence at The Nottingham Playhouse.) presented first play Sing, Sing Death House to the Royal Court Theatre.
• 2005- 2006 – studied with Momentum young writers programme with Emma Rosoman
• June 2006 - attended writers’ development weekend at Hopefield Hall, attended sessions ran by Tyndale Street Press, www.pulp.net, The BBC and Grants for the Arts.
• May 2006 - Came joint third in Leicester and Leicestershire Short Story Competition for piece entitled The Colour of Magic.
• 2005 – Present – currently working on first novel.
• 2005 – Published short story Toyland at www.umbrellastories.com
• 2005 – Received unconditional offer to study prose writing under Graham Joyce at the Nottingham Trent University.
• 2005 - Studied undergraduate Creative Writing, both prose and poetry with Kris Seifken.
• 2002 – 2005 Features Journalist for The Ripple newspaper in the Arts and Literature section. Proficient in Quark and Photoshop. Interviewed local artists such as Freda Warrington and Diana East.
• Writer development Blog at http://sabrinameilismith.com

Future Projects

• Complete Daddy was Like the Autumn by the end of 2007
  
• Ladyfest Leicester 2007 - October 2007
  
• Play festival at the Y theatre with other local writers
  

• 
  

again...

... i should be writing but am not. It's bank holiday monday and that means the perfect oppourtunity to really get my head down and start on this new play or revisit the novel, but no. Instead I've been "broardning my horizons" is some weird and wonderful ways.

Mostly i've been sat in my scummy bedroom, listning to music and reading old Selecet, Vox and Kerrrrangggg's from the early 90's and late 80's. dont as k me how i got my dirty little paws on these...

But it has made me relise that music journalism has changed so much in hte past 10 years (i went through a breif stint of wanting to be a music journalist when i was younger) in hte old days it looks like all htey did when they couldnt get artists to interview was pretend to be axl rose's agents and call up eurodisney. now its a big money business.

and hte music ive been listning to: Belinda carlile, billie holiday, hte dwarves, babylon zoo, johnny cash, kula shaker, bikini kill, rolins band, the wildhearts, kasabian, artic monkeys, pussycat dolls... my taste in music has gone a bit odd...

yeah, and lets not forget the disney.

Hoffmole has been on my net connection getting lyrics and weird facts about disney movies. i saw Pinocchio last night. Freaky deeky!

Annother one down!

got annother story accepted on this website http://www.umbrellastories.com/frameset.html
its Tinfoil Flowers and Stars

1984

now, I know nobody is going to believe me but I'VE NEVER READ 1984!!! Honestly, I've just never got round to reading the smegging book and people just asume that 'cos I have an English degree and have dreads and am a writer that I totally know it inside out... this is a falacy that I sometimes play along with!

So now I've actually started reading it and I recon its really pretty good! I've read some of Orwell's other things (Animal Farm and The Road to Wiggan Pier) and think as a writer hes really good, but 1984 seems to have so much more thought put into it.

And its effecting my new play. Seeing as the star people and the cave people are metaphors for class and the relationships between the 2 of my main characters is simply that something beautiful cannot survive in a world where there is such segregation. It can be born out of oppression but it cannot sustain itself.

My first scene is a description of hte stage, the cave woman is onstage, hte man from stars forms and upside down, so hes obscured from her vision he says into her ear "It's not going to work" and then he dispirses into the stary backdrop and thats the end of the scene. I know it sounds odd, but I think that the whole short scenes thing might work in some ways. I also think I perhaps got a little inspiration from Mr Mack's newest play "Brutal" for the concept of short little scenes. It's not going to be like that all the time, but just a few well places orta do it!

On other notes "the boyfriend" seems ok... ish. He had a long, tedious rant at me yesterday about how sorry he is for being privilidged. How hes from the M/C, white, male and is totally miserable and feels like he can't have any vent for his mardyness. A lot of that is going in the play.

And you know what? I'm really fucking hungry right about now and there is a chipshop right next door BEGGING me to spend some money on a pukka pie and chips! yum!

I'll Probally Get a Spanking for this...

...From "the Boyfriend", but to be fair, we have been having some minor problems of late. you see, we were mates before we got together, like, not overly close mates but we met and kinda hit it off on a purely platonic level. To be fair I didn't notice him at all, seeing as I was with "Hans" and all (look back at previous posts if unsure).

And cut a long story short we were the type of people that are quite sociable before we were a couple, like I remember one night when we went to smokescreen and I was dancing like an arse and he was doing star jumps in the corner, that type of thing. And he lived quite close - literally round the corner - so we were always bumping inot each other, even when going to the shop and stuff. and his haousemates and my mates are all friends and stuff, so much so that even my housemate (the odd one with the cheese diary - no. I don't know what thats about either!) and his brother (who he lives with) started going out.

and then like, when we got together, i think we both relised that, deep down, we're actually social idiots! Like, not in a good way. We kinda spend too much time together, and thats why I dont get much chance to write or update my blog and stuff. Esp. at the very begining, which is fair enough with the whole honeymoon period and stuff.

So today i decided to tell him that we need to spend some time appart. Not like a "I think we should have a trial seperation-on the lead up to our divorce" way, just the odd night apart so we can do our own thing. And I felt really guilty about bringing it up! I mean, one of the main reasons why he's always over at mine these days is because his beroom window is broken and its really cold to sleep in there at night. Also, some of his housemates are a bit bonkers and argue all the time and annother one is a bit of a freeloader, but thats annother story... But we're giving it a go and he seems to like having the night off to watch some old men in waistcoats play snooker and I can read / write / update blog etc and he seems to be coming round to my way of thinking.

But it really made me think how a good relationship can be spoilt just by rusing it! Seriously, back in the old days when you had to be with someone and get married like, straight away, what was all that about? and couples who are religious who then get married 'cos they want to get laid without sin? and just normal couples in general who rush stuff and cut themselves off from other friends simply because they want to be together all the time - and I think there might be a play in this somewhere where the theme is about rushing things... cue heavy meatphor and stick them all up a tree talking in spanish and you got annother award winning Sabrina play!!!

the Beauty Myth

I really hope this links http://jade-nadezhda.blogspot.com/

this blog entry and the images uses really demonstrates a point that I think everyone needs to address.

THE FAKE STATUS OF OUR SOCIETY and THE IMPOSSIBLE EXTREEMS THAT PERFECTION EXPECTS

makes me blood boil

My perfect man <3 <3 <3 HAR HAR!

Well, as I seem to be writing a play about relationships and such things I decided to dig out an old notepad of mine from about 2003 (when in a very dodgy relationship - or just after, I can't remember) that had a very odd list in it compiling all the aspects I wanted in a bloke. It's very scary when you read it and look at "The Boyfriend" hmm... sometimes when you get what you think you want you just dont want it anymore (joke)

Anyway - here is the list in its original format:

My Perfect man! harharhar

intelegent, mad, be able to consume large quantaties of booze and not be upset when i do, middle class - NO working class bums this time, fun to be arround, good in bed, caring, kind, considerate in an unconventional way, some sence of style, some type of career and ambition, a bit eccentric, rich, oppinionated, sensitive, not minding my male friends, physically attractive to me (ie, tall / malnurished!), big hair would be great - NO MULLETS, large hands, to wash, spots or some imperfections, must like curry and i can be his own personal goddess!

A MAN LIKE THIS DOES NOT EXIST!

Christ! how nieve was I? Appart from the tall, rich, big hands bits I got what I wanted...