So tell me what you want, what you really, really want...

Well Had the first momentum "real" session yesterday which wasnt banging on about other peoples work or being an advertisement for Amanda Whittingtons stuff, or going on about fucking character Arches (!) and it was actually quite productive for me...

as some of the last posts have been breif / non existant due to my exeptional personal circumstances, I also have not really been working on the crappy idea i had for momentum this year and Amanda actually pinpointed why this was

I DONT WANT TO WRITE IT!

so that poses the qquestion "what the bollocks do I actually want to write?"

and after a few mins soul serching I relised what is needed from me, what is the play that i need to write?

MERMAIDS AND DROWNING WOMEN.

thats the play that I would like to do but have this whole thing in my head where I think am not experinced enough to write it, ie, i think that i'm gonna mess it up and totally not do it justice.

but then again, Sing,Sing wasnt that bad, after i redrafted and restructured. Perhaps I could do it with some help?

and as a recap of Mermaids its just about 3 women who are all interconnected although one is created from fiction, one real and one myth. Kirsten Pfaff, The Little Mermaid and Ophelia.

and Amanda said I should really work on whether the women are interconnected or not.

and that made me think about death (no, not being Sylvia Plath) I mean, are they really dead or not seeing as KP got fame through her death and the other two were never alive to begin with but die because thats what their function is... i eman the play has the Drowning aspect...

ok rambling now, Anyway, the point is that ideas are forming, and I feel that I can do this, allthough I really originally thought I couldnt.

and when I was having to explin it to people everyone was like "thats Wicked, why did you want to write some rubbish about a squat again?"

so my main priorities and deadlines:

• Daddy was Like the Autumn - compleated about this time next year
• Mermaids and Drowning women - 1st draft April 2007
• Ladyfest - Oct 07 .

see. I can do this bollocks!

Life sucks

monkeys. everything sucks at the moment. The Grants for the arts money still isnt in my account, my pay has gone walkabout (ie not in my account), the boiler is doomed at home and I told my housemate to fuck off this morning 'cos was too stressed, I stupidly agreed to do extra hours at work and I really, really dont want to.

Only thing that seems to be keeping me sane at the moment isnt writing plays, Ladyfesting or doing anyhinng like that, its looking at my novel and crying.

well, not exactly crying... I have decided in hmy infinate restructure to split the entire thing into quarters:

• Toyland - Everyone knows this. Its the begining and the high focal point of the novel.
• Beyond Toyland - kinda want to get a feeling of diminishing chaos.
• Into REality - a shitty "oh my god! reality" bit that crashes into hte story and metaphorically sobers my characters and the story up!
• Into the Void - my ending where everyone seems to have "lost" somehting that they once had in Toyland (nice and cheary there then!) "void" is a feeling rhather than an action.

well also am changing many things in hte novel. my overall theme of regression is strong but i erally need to explore everything fully.

stupid life.

cant be arsed

Ok, some of you may have nagged me about not updating the blog... s'not jus the blog thats been suffering...
i cant be arsed to:

• update the blog
• do any writing
• do anything to do with Ladyfest
• write my play
• clean the bathroom
• clean the kitchen
• do my washing
• change my bedsheets
• see my friends
• read
• go to work
• talk to people
• watch soaps
• go to the pub

and why is this? why is this? No. Its not because I have become so depressed psychosis 4.48 looks like a walk in the park... It's simply the opposite.

You see this terrible thing happens to writers wheich is similar of writers block but worse. When you have writers block you know and understand that somethings not right, your racked with guilt and self loathing. This is something different. I get distracted too easily.

and what the hell is distracting me?

Its a fucking BOY!

Fuck sake! It's a memeber of the opposite sex that I have a daft infatuation with that Is distracting me. If it was the whole petrarchian thing then I could at least churn out insincear sonnets about how great he is and never notices me but noooooooo

Fucking twat likes me too.

So thats basically what's been going on. I've been all loved up in stupid ways. All google eyed and turning into one of those people that I hate who "have songs" and buy valentine heart chocolates.

and you know what, I havent laughed so much IN YEARS!

where is my money????

Feel like one of those people who go to hte hpousing benifit office and shout "WHERES MY FOOKIN MUNEY????" at the poor people who work behind bullet proof glass. Been anticipating and checking htat damned account every 20 mins and getting worried that perhaps there is a problem... maybe they didnt recieve my letter saying "yes! Yes godamit of course i want the money!!!" or maybe the bank stamped it hwith their arse rahter than a real rubber stamp? maybe a gready postal worker has nicked it and crossed out my name and filled in their own? bastards.

anyway on a lighter note I recently discovered the best book EVER "How to spot a bastard by his starsign". been reading Piscies at the moment and its pretty accurate seeing as Piscies males have always infiltrated my life and FUCKED IT UP!!!

Alex... I am gonna have to photocopy Sagitarious and post it to you cos its all true.

Ladyfest Update

Its beginign to kick off and I'm getting butterflies!

1st fundraiser was last night and I got to introduce some of the bands in my drunken-non-charasmatic way! actually saying to one artist "get on with it then" (shudder)

funding applications are all going well and really begining to take shape!

and we have a website and forum! here:

http://ladyfestleics.proboards83.com/index.cgi (forum)
http://www.ladyfest-leicester.moonfruit.com/ (website)

Fucking Wankers!!!

Why is my house so shit? why is everyhitng in it falling apart? Woke up this morning and tried to gt the shower working (we have to make it work by hitting it) and NOTHING happeed so I'm now sat at work all stinky (well more so than usual) and feeling crap.

and the kettle is bust, utterly bust, ok it was "donated" to us by one of our not-so-hygenic friends, but still, its bust.

and the shower leaks through into the kitchen therefore slowly corroding the celing.

and the boiler is so fucked that hot water is a total imposibility.

and the lightbulbs in by room have all exploded cos of a serge of dodgy electrics!

i really have become the writer who sits there living in inhospibitbal conditions! I dont mind it much but its really PISSING ME OFF!!!!

the best character driven TV drama

obviously is Shameless. Absolutly wonderful and i really am a sucker for character driven bits and peices. Read a article in the metro this morning about how its wank, but i totally disagree. the focus was on the fact that shameless had lost too many of its lynchpin characters (KEv, Veronica, Fiona and Steve) but every time it looses a character it introduces new, more brilliant ones! the best example for this is marty with the tourettes, now the Maguire clan has moved next door and they have reintroduced Franks first wife and her lesbian lover... its just great!

in other news with me, i got a peircing (nose) and met a rather nice boy but its all early stages yet!